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Don’t Blame the Porn

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Porn is a very, very funny thing…like laugh out loud “omg look at what that guy is doing to that girl’s butt” kind of funny.  I know that many people don’t agree with me on this, and I can definitely understand that.  What I don’t understand is why tons of people are blaming porn for women’s inability to say “no” in the bedroom.

If you’ve been hooked on the Jodi Arias trial like myself and middle-aged housewives everywhere, you know that she is a psychotic devil-whore who is trying to blame everyone but herself for murdering the crap out of her ex-boyfriend, Travis. (If you’ve been living under a rock and don’t know what I’m talking about, read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killing_of_Travis_Alexander).  In one of the many CNN videos I’ve watched, several women discuss how porn made poor dead Travis tie Jodi to a tree and do weird sex things to her. (By the way…Jodi liked the weird sex with Travis.  You can hear her talk about it in recorded phone conversations between the couple).  These two women went on to say lots of crazy things about porn, condemning it for the way men are today…whatever that means.  But the biggest load of stupid ignorant bullshit that they said is as follows:

“The problem for young women is that it [porn] is forcing them to do things that they wouldn’t ever have done–and earlier because they are feeling like the have to compete against porn.”

Right……PORN is the reason that some young women are slutty assholes.  PORN is at fault when a woman bones a guy before she’s emotionally ready.  PORN is to blame when women stay in relationships with sex-crazed men who like to tie them up, smack them around and shower them with semen.

Now, I’m all about blaming men for lots of things.  But to blame porn is just insulting.  It’s an insult to women.  Women deserve more credit than that.  Not all young women are victims of porn addicted nymphos.  And not all women hate porn!  I’ve watched my share of Red Tube in college with my girlfriends, and I’ve come to the conclusion that porn is hilarious.  And it’s easy money.  If I had the confidence (I think porn stars are the most confident people in the world) and the flexibility to be a porn star, I’d do it too!  I don’t feel like I need to compete with these women in porn, because I just simply can’t do the stuff they do.  My vagina is not a blimp.

Sure, there are dudes out there who watch entirely too much porn…but watching porn every now and then does not make a guy “bad.”  Wouldn’t you rather your man be occasionally watching porn on his computer than watching another girl’s titties flop all over the place at a strip club?  At least he can’t touch the big breasted women in the pornos he’s watching.  Ladies, if you think watching porn is “wrong,” and you consider it cheating, you’re expecting entirely too much out of men.  Pornography for men is like bubble baths for women.

Keep in mind, there’s a difference between a man enjoying porn here and there, and a man who’s right hand and penis are raw from the amount of porn he consumes.  If you’re a girl who feels like porn is making the man in your life a deranged sex-addict, break his computer.  Or hit him over the head with it.  Maybe you could even collect his jizz in a cup and pour it all over him to see if he likes it.  But don’t blame porn for your own inability to say “no.”  You have a voice, use it!

Now, I recognize that often it’s a self confidence issue with women who feel like they need to conform to a man’s desires.  And I do believe that porn does pressure some men and women to behave a certain way.  But that doesn’t mean they should give into that pressure!  It isn’t porn’s fault you let your boyfriend talk you into a threesome.

So your guy likes a shaved vagina because all the women in porn have smooth kitties?  Give him a video of 1970’s porn…maybe that will change his mind.  Or tell him you aren’t going to shave anymore.  Your man wants you to wear lingerie while he handcuffs you to the bed  and has his way with you while you’re completely defenseless?  Say HELL NO, and that you’re too tired for all that bullshit (unless you’re into the handcuff thing).  Plus lingerie is expensive as fuck.  It’s really that simple.  You know why?  Because PORN IS NOT REAL LIFE!  Porn is not a reflection of what everyone else is doing.  Normal women’s legs do not move that way.  Normal men do not have a penis the size of an elephant trunk.  Normal women don’t want to have sex in the middle of their gynecological exam with the sexy doctor.  If men are dumb enough to equate porn with how women should behave, women do not need to be just as dumb as men and think that they have no choice in the matter.

How about this…if your man continues to make you feel uncomfortable in bed, maybe it’s time to find a new man.  Or buy a vibrator.  Vibrators are a girls best friend.  Or is it diamonds?

Catholicism and Me

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I consider myself a good Catholic girl, so for Lent I figured I would give up sex, abortions, and my lesbian tendencies.  Realizing that I’m such a good Catholic that I don’t participate in any of these appalling acts, I decided to find something else to rid myself of for 40 days.  Being torn between several indulging habits, I looked towards the Bible for help.  I was specifically looking for things that God says are “wrong.”  This ended up being fairly easy, and I found a slew of sins that will land most of you in the fiery depths of Hell.  If you think you’re going to Heaven, think again honey!  (And this is all from the New Testament, just so ya know).

 First, you need to know the two types of sins in the Catholic church: Mortal vs. Venial.  A mortal sin is basically something really bad that a person does with full consent and deliberation.  These types of sins deserve “eternal punishment” (2 Thes 1:9) because it is a conscious act of rebellion against God.  A venial sin is less serious than mortal sins, and is a “partial loss from grace.”  You can clean yourself of venial sins with prayer.  But mortal sins, forget it!  You’re shit out of luck.  Well…okay…that’s not entirely true.  If you repent for REAL and will avoid all situations where you may give into mortal sin again, you are allowed back into Heaven and your soul isn’t totally screwed.  But remember, God knows when you’re full of shit.

 So…mortal sins.  The Catholic church teaches that if you commit ONE mortal sin ONCE, you’re going to Hell forever.  What’s a mortal sin?  Well, I hope all of those homophobic dick wads rallying with religious signs never yanked on their wieners–because SURPRISE–masturbation is a mortal sin!  So put your “God hates fags” signs down and get your ignorant ass into confession cause God also hates fornicators, liars, thieves, and drunkards.  That’s right, God hates fornicators!  Matthew 5:28 says that all you horny freaks who “look on a woman to lust after her hath already committed adultery with her in his heart.”  So just looking at that cute girl gave you a one-way ticket to Hell, even if you kept your penis in your pants. 

“Know you not that the unjust shall not possess the kingdom of God? Do not err: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor the effeminate, nor liars with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor railers, nor extortioners, shall possess the kingdom of God.” (1 Corinthians 6:9-10).  The list goes on, placing more and more of you under the category: “fucked.”  

“Let a woman learn in silence with all submissiveness. I permit no woman to teach or have authority over men; she is to keep silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve; and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor. Yet woman will be saved through bearing children, if she continues in faith and love and holiness, with modesty.” (1 Timothy 11:15).  Well, I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but I can’t WAIT until my vagina is ripped open and a human being comes sliding out of me.  Thanks a lot, Eve. 

The Bible also says that women aren’t allowed to speak in church…which really sucks for me cause I just called my brother a dick in church last Sunday. 

After reading all of these things that I certainly disagree with, I felt pretty conflicted.  Maybe I’m not a good Catholic.  Or maybe I’m not really Catholic.  Maybe I’m just Christian.  Because I believe in Jesus and I also believe all of my gay friends are wonderful, caring, incredible people.  My God wants everyone to be happy and loved, no matter what your sexual orientation may be.  My God is understanding of a woman’s right to choose.  My God loves all races.  And my God wants me to wear the pants in my relationship.  So, believe in what you believe, but don’t judge others based on your fear of God.  

I gave up chocolate for Lent.  Happy Ash Wednesday! 

 

Cool Moms vs. Psychotic Moms

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I find it important for moms to not be psychotic.  Psychotic moms will completely ruin a perfectly innocent human being.  On the other hand, cool moms will have awesome kids who grow up to be great people, like Obama.  “Psychotic” can sometimes be confused for “cool.”  In my book, a mom is psychotic if she lets her teenage daughter have sex with her boyfriend in her house.  To some of you, that’s probably cool.  But you’re wrong.  And just so there’s no confusion, my mom is cool…mainly because she tells poop jokes and likes the F word.  

Ok moms, you are definitely psychotic if you put makeup on your little girl.  Teaching a 2 year that they look so adorable  with makeup on is a really really stupid thing you stupid woman.  You could have saved your vagina a whole lot of trouble if you wanted a doll. 

You’re a cool mom if you let your daughter and her friends take tequila shots in your kitchen and then drive them to the sketchy bar down the street.  This is obviously only cool if your child and her friends are 21 or over.  And if you take a shot to the face with them, you get more cool points!

You are without a doubt psychotic if you’re a teenage mom-to-be and you’re posting pictures of your ultrasound on Facebook.  If your mom is posting pictures of your ultrasound, I think we can all agree that she is even more of a crazy psychopath.  Don’t pretend that you’re excited that you accidentally got knocked up.  You’re scared and mad at yourself and you need to OWN IT!  People would respect you a lot more.  How about buying a lifetime supply of condoms and posting a pic of those instead?  

Cool moms embrace and support their children when they come out as being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered.  Although, I gotta say…I totally understand if moms are a little freaked out when their kid pulls a Chaz Bono.  Cher is just a goddess.

If you ever called your daughter fat, congratulations!  You awarded yourself 1,000,000 psychotic points!  If she grows up to have an eating disorder or serious body issues, BLAME YOURSELF.  

Moms are psychotic when all they want is for their daughter to get married.  This is only acceptable if you’re Indian.  All other moms, get a fucking grip.  

Cool moms wear clothes that cover their boobs.  Psychotic moms let their tits hang out for all their son’s friends to gawk at.  

Obviously there are way more things that distinguish the cool moms from the psychos, but I find these some of the most important ones.  If you know a psychotic mom, or one that’s at risk of becoming psychotic, smack her in the face.  Cool moms, remember, you’re raising the future generation.  And if you keep up the good work, one day the “cool” might outdo the “psychotic.”  You’ll know this has finally happened when pot and gay marriage are legal everywhere. 

 

Facebook Ruins Lives

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Facebook is the worst thing to ever happen to humans.  I fucking LOVE it, but it’s terrible.  Aside from it being a huge time suck (remind me why I’m looking at pictures of your dinner?) it plays a huge negative part in people’s real lives.  I think Mark Zucherberg knew exactly what he was doing when he created this life ruining machine, and I think he’s laughing his yarmulke right into his matzo ball soup. Oh, Wikipedia says he’s an atheist.  Sorry, Mark.

First and foremost, Facebook is used as a place to brag about all the bullshit that everyone is doing in order to make their lives seem SO much cooler than their fbook friends…half of which they don’t even know.  If your life is so awesome, why are you spending all this time posting about how awesome your life is instead of getting off your ass and living your awesome life??  Plus, bragging is a really unattractive characteristic, so it makes that mirror pic of you look even uglier.

Probably more annoying than the Facebook braggers are the girls that constantly post about their boyfriends.  Seriously, these bitches are the WORST.  Ladies, I’m glad you have a man in your life to make you feel special.  And I’m sure he really, truly is “the best boyfriend in the world.”  But I don’t give a shit about the flowers he sent you.  I don’t need to see a picture of the two of you laying in bed together.  And those of you who post statuses about how all of your friends are engaged and WHY isn’t your boyfriend proposing, I can answer that for you.  Because you’re a crazy psychopath who considers it socially acceptable to post those kinds of statuses.  And you have now scared your boyfriend away even more.  So stop all your clingy bullshit and most of all, stop embarrassing yourself on the inter-web.

Facebook being accessible from cell phones has created a whole new breed of crazy ass mother fuckers.  You can’t have a conversation anymore without someone getting on Facebook.  Because apparently the pictures some chick is posting of her cat is a lot more interesting than you are in real life.

Breakups become increasingly more difficult and painful because of Facebook.  You break up, and the first thing you do is get on Facebook, looking to see if your new ex changed their relationship status yet.  Then you check his/her wall to see if any new pics were added of them out with friends, looking happier than they’ve been in months.  Is that a BEER in his hand?  Is he out getting drunk!?  OMG, he’s probably gonna hook up with that slutty looking girl in the background.  Then you cry and cry and check their Facebook again and cry some more.  It’s cruel and unusual punishment.  People shouldn’t have to go through this torture!!  IT’S SICK.

The worst part of all of this is you can’t delete your Facebook.  You just can’t.  I mean, you can…but then everyone will forget about you.  And you won’t know about all the cool parties and events going on.  Because no one bothers to pick up a fucking phone anymore.  You miss it on Facebook, you miss it in the real world.

New Years Resolutions for Bros

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A lot of people have trouble coming up with their New Years Resolutions.  Most stick to the usual: go to the gym, get a better job, quit smoking, etc.  So I thought I’d come up with some really thoughtful and important resolutions for bros…because they’re the ones who need it most.

Bros…look…I know everyone loves to hate you.  Some girls love to love you and then love to hate you when you leave before they wake up.  So I think bros really need to get their shit together and use 2013 to reevaluate themselves as human beings.  

Bros love doing things like taking shots to the face, shot gunning beers, high fiving their fellow bros after a hard fought game of flip cup, and just being all around brotacular.  But maybe in 2013, bros can try something new…like learning how to read, investing in a shirt that covers their shoulders, and stop shaving their body hair.

Please, for the love of God, STOP SHAVING YOUR BODY HAIR!  It’s repulsive.  You look like a 12 year old.  And if you’re one of those homophobic bros who shaves their chest, you’re an even bigger ass-hat.  Because shaving your chest is “gay,” brah.  

I guess most bros shave their chests because they spend so many hours gettin’ swole in the gym and they want to show off their manly pecs.  Ok…fair enough…I can see where you’re coming–wait, no, no you still look fucking ridiculous. 

I’ve never seen a bro reading a book.  Just a thought.

What’s up with the bro tank?  And does any girl actually find a male wearing one attractive?  Because I think it’s the stupidest thing ever.  I can’t even explain why.  But I have eyes, so I can tell they suck.

A bro tank with those colorful sunglasses and a backwards hat really makes me hot.  I’m sorry, did I say it makes me hot?  I meant it makes me dry heave.  

I used to like Sweet Caroline.  But bros completely ruined that one for me.

Ok bros, for 2013, how about you stop calling girls sluts.  Stop talking about how wasted you got last night.  Stop sucking so much.  Because you are a human being whether you choose to act like one or not.  So make something of yourself in 2013.  Learn how to write a coherent sentence.  Throw your beer cans in the proper receptacle.  Actually learn how to play lacrosse so wearing pinnies is half way acceptable.  Make 2013 the year where you change the way society views you and your worthlessness!  Because I think bros have a lot to offer underneath all of the beer stench and bullshit.  It might not be much…but…there’s got to be something there.  Right?  Ah, maybe not.

My Favorite Word: A Stream of Consciousness

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I love the word “cunt.”  It makes me laugh.  Maybe it’s the four letter appeal.  Maybe it’s the hard syllabals.  Who knows?  It’s just a great word.  But sometimes I’ll say it infront of someone (usually a woman) and their reaction really throws me off.  “I hate that word.”   What?  WHAT?  How can you possibly hate that word?  It’s like, one of the BEST words in the English language!  It’s way better than “fuck!”  Plus it has endless comedic potential.  But for some reason, many women can’t stand it.  Even men say it makes them uncomfortable.  But I’ve come to realize that hating the word cunt makes you fear the word cunt.  And fearing the word cunt makes you part of the problem.

When you fear the word cunt, it empowers people to use it against you.  And I’m not just talking about men.  I’m also talking about women who call each other cunts out of anger.  (I say “out of anger” because I call my best girl friends cunts and for me it’s synonymous for “I love you.”)  Using that word out of anger is unacceptable whether you’re a man or a woman.  Gay men are allowed to use it.  But that’s it.  Don’t ask me why…it just works that way.

In order to deter people from using it as a real insult, we have to embrace the word cunt.  If we don’t, ignorant men and classless women will feel dominant by it’s shock value and ability to hurt.  That word is both one of the most offensive and one of the funniest words in our language.  It all depends on the tone and context.  And if you’re saying it threateningly or aggressively, then you need to take a step back and reevaluate your sorry, stupid life.

If you think about it, women who are referred to as cunts are usually the women who get shit done.  Hillary Clinton is one of these women.  And she’s the FUCKING SECRETARY OF STATE.  Boom.

Cunt ball.  There’s nothing threatening about that.  Cunty McNasty.  Also hilarious.  Cuntasaurus.  It’s like a huge vagina dinosaur.

So say it loud and say it proud.  Don’t let cunt get ya down.  It might be super inappropriate, but isn’t that what makes it so great?  If someone calls you a cunt, just laugh at them for their inability for originality and call them something better…like a titmunching pussycake.

Keep it Cute

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I’m not around college girls nearly as much now that I’ve graduated, but when I go back to parties and see girls walking to Cornerstone, it’s the same thing over and over and over–drunk betches flopping down the street in their high heels and tight dresses, flocking to the bar or the frat house so they can get trashed and wake up in a bed that isn’t theirs with their eye-liner smeared all over their face, wondering “omg what happened last night?”

Come on ladies, stop it.  You’re giving us a bad rep and you look like a stupid asshole.   

First of all, wearing a shirt, dress, or skirt that is far too small is not just unflattering, it’s foolish.  Nothing good comes of this.  Now I’m all about women being comfortable in their own skin.  But there’s a fine line between being comfortable in your own skin and letting your skin hang all out while you drunkenly grind on that creepy looking dude. Remember ladies: the tighter it is, the more it rides up.  And when alcohol is introduced, you can bet that cute little dress that you borrowed from your roomie will be up to your chest by the end of the night.  I hope you wore cute panties. 

Maybe even worse than the tight clothes are the high heels.  High heels are great and all, but if you’re gonna look like an idiot struggling on the dance floor or staggering back home, you have no business wearing them.  Heels are for women who know how to use them.  I am not one of these women, which is why I don’t wear them.  

Plus, who is looking at your feet?  The bar is so crowded anyway that you’re probably just gonna be stepping on some poor frat bro’s little toe, and if he’s drunk enough he might retaliate by calling you a bitch, and then you’re gonna turn around and scream in that high pitched voice “Um WHAT did you say to me?!” and then your friend with the tight dress is gonna spin around and go (without knowing what just happened) “OMG you dick don’t talk to her like that!”  Then that cute, drunk frat bro won’t want to sleep with you because you and your stupid heels pissed him off.  

And when some not-so-attractive guy tries to dance with you, maybe you should take a look at yourself before you reject him.  Your hair is a mess, your makeup looks terrible, and you spilled your dirty shirley all over yourself.  You should be thrilled that creepshow wants to grind on your butt. 

Maybe I’m being judgemental.  Actually yes, I am being judemental.  But I’ve had one too many a sloppy drunk ho slosh her drink onto me and elbow me out of her way as she tries to find all of her friends.  Honey…just look in the bathroom.  They’re puking in the bathroom.  

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